-
Feelings of Wonder
My body and mind are finally healing. It hurts like a motherfucker, but also… just wow. There is so much light it is dizzying. In fact, right now I need to listen to David Bowie quite often. Because what a revelation he is! You know how he makes you feel special when he sings to…
-
Becoming Me
Shit, fuck. Shit, fuck. Shit, fuck. Why am I doing this? If anybody ever asks you to completely reset your nervous system, please tell them no. It is even worth shouting out, noooooooooooo! Because doing so is a really, really, really bad idea. I am healing, but not in the way I expected. This is…
-
A Eureka Moment
Something magical happened the other night. Now that I am proactively trying to push the koala out of both my mind and body, my nervous system is finally figuring itself out. It is like, I just needed to give myself permission to be me. Then it hit me why I could never love myself. My…
-
Monster Laws of Attraction
Being injured at birth has had real fucking consequences. The biggest is that I have never, ever achieved intimacy. I had an urgent need as a baby that was never addressed. Although I learned to hide it deeply inside of me, the need still required attention. The problem was that I was stuck in survival…
-
How I Really Feel
Holy shit, my body is finally doing it. Like Pinocchio, I am becoming a real human! I went back to taking a hot bath every morning and doing the cat cows therein is helping me to unwind the beating heart of the monster. I can feel my body desperately studying itself in the heat. And…
-
The Monsters Among Us
Being a good person is the most important thing. Indeed, I approach ethics with an almost deathly seriousness. Why? The monster inside of me makes being good very hard. People who do not intend to hurt me still cause me severe physical distress. As a result, I have had to spend an unusual and otherwise…
-
Monster Rising
I may not be okay right now, but I do know that some day I will be. It is difficult to just exist at the moment as my nervous system is unwinding my facial injuries. I have never felt this vulnerable and confused. It feels like riding on an old and rickety, never-ending rollercoaster. I…
-
Letting Go
This is the definition of torture as I am reprogramming myself. After all, I am breaking my own self apart. Letting go of the monster means saying goodbye to my life as I have always known it. As a result, I really do find myself struggling to occupy space and time. But even though my…
-
Double Consciousness
I cannot believe how fucked I am. The pain in my cheeks, head and neck is beyond unbearable right now and the only thing I can think about is killing myself. This is what the healer did to me. I know he wanted to cure me with network spinal because he cared. However, instead he…
-
Faith and Resistance
I have never been more disappointed in humanity. My healing journey continues to get more difficult the closer I am to unwinding the knots of scar tissue in my facial nerves. I have never felt less safe or more alone. And never, ever this angry. I spent five decades of my life trying to tell…
-
Monster Misunderstandings
I am finally realising now that it was just a massive misunderstanding with the healer. He was not deliberately trying to hurt me. But I am also traumatically reliving why I had to write that review. My nervous system was not ready for what he was trying to achieve with his entrainments. High on faith,…
-
On Spirit Murdering
Something happens inside of the depths of your soul when you are existentially unsafe, and yet the people around you do not recognise this. This is what inspired me to research social oppression. Oppression is not just a feeling; it is a physical power. Acts of oppression, whether intended or not, are living things. They…
-
Retuning my Story
*This post is outdated. Forthcoming blogs will clarify how the healer fucked me up more than I wanted to realise in my guilty state… I deeply regret my experience with the Tuning Room. I never would have gone there and I certainly would not have continued with my treatment if I had known that there…
-
Love, Hate and No Exit
French philosopher and playwright Jean Paul Sartre famously wrote, ‘Hell is just—other people’. I reread his play No Exit after the fallout with my shaman doctor. I do remember reading it in French class during high school, but revisiting it again now was illuminating. In the play, three characters arrive in Hell expecting fire and…