My body and mind are finally healing.
It hurts like a motherfucker, but also… just wow.
There is so much light it is dizzying.
In fact, right now I need to listen to David Bowie quite often.
Because what a revelation he is!
You know how he makes you feel special when he sings to you that you are wonderful?
Well, I could never actually feel this until now.
Don’t get me wrong, as I have always loved and adored Bowie’s music and lyrics.
But my body could never embrace the wonder.
I physically could not feel safety.
So I had never experienced real, unadulterated joy like that.
Not while listening to my favourite music.
Not even during sex.
I have not admitted this out loud before, but when the koala dismissed my sexual dysfunction I purchased my first vibrator.
It was awful, electrically painful.
While the pain subsided over time, the awfulness never dissipated. So, I simply decided to stop using it after a while.
Joy has always been unreachable for me.
And I still have not yet achieved truly joyful heights. But I am, at long last, at least approaching the magical feelings of wonder.
Previously, the closest I had ever come was the feeling of elated calm post running my second marathon, which actually went well.
I was so relieved that it felt like I was on top of the world.
Like I was invincible.
It really was like walking on air!
I even started one of the closest attempts that I have ever made at a relationship.
It was a remarkable shift that I embraced wholeheartedly.
And then it vanished after only two weeks with such cruelty when the brutally stabbing pains in my back started.
That is when I stopped being able to walk or run without excruciating pain.
My monster was in total control. I became sedentary, always clenched in a slow burn agony, and even stopped eating three meals a day.
My world collapsed so drastically that I was willing to do anything to help, including surgery on my cervical spine.
Although decompressing the central nerve allowed me to move again, it made all of the internal knots of scar tissue worse.
So my monster was still in charge, but in a totally new way.
It was only a few weeks later that something happened in my neck while walking that absolutely terrified me.
It was like a rupture, but with wriggling. And there was an eerie spiritual heaviness to the pain, like something was dying.
My monster had created an internal black hole.
That is when the seizures first started.
They were short electrical bursts at the beginning, making me momentarily lose consciousness while falling to the ground.
Afterwards, they changed to become longer, uncontrollable movements. During the latter seizures I was never in control, but always conscious.
Except that one time working with the koala.
I had a seizure after an entrainment towards the end that really fucked me up.
He did not know what to do.
Afterwards, I was not okay. I wrote to him:
‘My right and left side just collided so frantically that I could only see intense electricity distortions and I lost my sense of self, time and space completely.’
He did not mention any of this in his notes.
Nor did he change his approach.
I am only now finally beginning to physically unpack just how much the koala was actually hurting me with his programme.
Because of my injuries, his course of treatment was abusive.
And I was so fucking vulnerable.
He assured me that he knew my nervous system well after only a few weeks.
When I am unique!
How could anybody know anything like that so quickly? I spent three months in Iran and did not even have enough confidence to successfully write a journal article about my provisional research.
I know that I am overly cautious and critical. But I need to be.
Only I can ever know my nervous system.
The black hole in my neck started to release on Friday and things have been changing dramatically ever since.
Why did the koala not even try to understand?
I think my biggest and angriest critique of humanity is that we impose our ideas and expectations onto others.
Even when trying to help.
Or especially when trying to help!
I am sure that the koala has talents and skills.
And he probably helps some people.
But he really is fucking dangerous!
So arrogant and yet ignorant.
I do hope that this regulatory investigation at least requires him to get some training before he fatally hurts somebody. I mean he is doing workshops now at a women’s health centre, which fills my body with horror.
My treatment, our dynamic, was all about him and nothing about me.
Because he has a big ego problem.
He will hurt again without intervention, but the case against him is going to take over a year to reach any kind of conclusion, sigh.
The irony is that I am only now finally healing in the ways that he was expecting me to heal over a year ago.
But that is only after holding him accountable.
This removed my dependence on him.
However, he still absolutely terrifies me and I am not sure if I will ever be able to let that go. I sank to such depths because of him.
That said, while I may never be able to trust another human again, at least now I do have some feelings of wonder.
Thank you world for David Bowie!