I may not be okay right now, but I do know that some day I will be.
It is difficult to just exist at the moment as my nervous system is unwinding my facial injuries. I have never felt this vulnerable and confused.
It feels like riding on an old and rickety, never-ending rollercoaster.
I needed time off because I was not coping.
Leaving the house is terrifying and I barely felt confident enough to go see the new film The Odyssey by Christopher Nolan on Sunday.
Wow, what an experience!
Usually, it is difficult for me to watch any kind of action, animation or computer-generated special effects because it upsets my nervous system.
But this film is remarkably raw and human.
Nolan explains to BBC Radio 3 how even the score to the film samples the instrumentation of ancient Greece to transport us back in time.
I have never felt so close to the story and action. It almost felt like I was there.
Odysseus is a hero but he is also incredibly flawed.
Like, he is very, very, very far away from perfect.
And that realisation suddenly changed something for me. I have been struggling to exist on the defensive ever since working with the koala.
Every night while smoking I wrestle with the monster thinking that the world does not want me to heal because nobody can see my pain.
It makes me sob and scream out.
My pain is worse at night and I especially fight with the koala.
He put me into a heightened state of fight or flight that I have not been able to exit, made worse after learning that he lost his job.
I have been suicidal because I needed him to see me.
However, watching this film made me realise two things: he needed to lose his job and I no longer need anybody to see me.
Why?
Because I can actually relate to Odysseus. I am a flawed hero too.
My life’s journey has also been epic and I bravely persisted.
Despite my disability, I was a competitive gymnast, broke school records, owned my own business, worked in Hollywood, ran marathons, conducted fieldwork in Iran, earned a PhD and published a book.
I have worked and lived alone on multiple continents.
I fucking travelled to Gaza accompanied by an armed tank. The late prime minister presented me with an award for my activism.
Whereas the koala is half my age without any of that life experience.
That was when my body finally filled with pride. It was almost like my nervous system only then gave me permission to fall out of love with him.
He really did not deserve my admiration. He behaved atrociously.
I wrote that negative review to protect others.
I have spent my entire life censoring myself out of fear of hurting other people’s feelings. No wonder my pain has been invisible.
So, later that evening, I looked into the procedure for making a complaint to the national union of chiropractors here in the UK.
Yesterday, I emailed for advice and requested my files from the Tuning Room.
I also started preparing my complaint.
I do not know what will happen, but even just going through these motions has allowed my nervous system to start taking back control.
The koala took my power away not because he is powerful.
It is precisely the opposite.
My body needs to learn that I am the one with the power now.
Listening to Sinead O’Connor’s song ‘Troy’ gives me strength.
It is about betrayal. She based it on this poem by William Butler Yeats.
No Second Troy
Why should I blame her that she filled my days
With misery, or that she would of late
Have taught to ignorant men most violent ways,
Or hurled the little streets upon the great,
Had they but courage equal to desire?
What could have made her peaceful with a mind
That nobleness made simple as a fire,
With beauty like a tightened bow, a kind
That is not natural in an age like this,
Being high and solitary and most stern?
Why, what could she have done, being what she is?
Was there another Troy for her to burn?