Being injured at birth has had real fucking consequences.
The biggest is that I have never, ever achieved intimacy.
I had an urgent need as a baby that was never addressed. Although I learned to hide it deeply inside of me, the need still required attention.
The problem was that I was stuck in survival mode.
Hence, my body twisted and contorted its way into making sense of the terror and pain that other people unintentionally cause me.
I am so fucking relieved to be able to finally understand now that my disability is what caused me to behave in ways that once shamed me.
It was never a choice.
I can now say that this is not who I am or want to be anymore.
The world created a monster in me and my body did what it needed to do.
Now that the regulator has formally opened up a case against the koala, I have finally realised why love fucks me up so much.
Especially when it comes to somebody whom I am attracted to.
My body has never, ever felt safe. Nobody who reads these words will ever truly understand, which is why I need to socially isolate right now.
But at least I can understand now that me being attracted to somebody is the closest way my body has ever come to feeling safe in this world.
I was never the kind of person who could date somebody I was not attracted to, because they would unintentionally hurt me and and I would get angry with them. I would then act out in ways that made me feel ashamed of myself.
But if I were attracted to somebody, the hurt caused is my fault.
Making me feel like the biggest loser for my entire life.
Indeed, here is a song that I played on repeat.
This is how I came to experience love with a monster inside of me.
And this beautifully explains My Monster Fairytale.
I thought being attracted to somebody would make it possible for me to feel safe, to heal. This led to a sickening dependence on the object of my attraction, whether they deserved to be loved or not, and when I did not feel safe or heal, I thought that I did not deserve to and was worthless.
Letting this happen over and over made me feel even worse.
The koala is a handsome man and there was chemistry between us.
So, I was extremely attracted to him.
I also thought that he was kind, caring and wanted to help me heal. Being so vulnerable, I became totally dependent on him.
But he is not the person I thought he was.
While my body realised this at the time, leading me to write that negative review, my monster was still in control of my mind’s logic. As a result, I obsessively loved him for the past year, waiting for him to save me.
And feeling like the biggest loser because he could not save me.
But I was never really in love with him, only the idea of him.
The real koala is not somebody whom I admire. He may have some knowledge and talent, but he is unaware of his many limitations.
He really is arrogant, incompetent and un-empathic.
In fact, he reminds me of all those graduate students who arrive at university thinking that they already deserve a PhD.
There are so many of these types out there anymore. The saddest part is that they miss out on the most transformative experience of their lives.
It is not always their fault. Modernity has created the conditions for a massive sea of pricks to exist who think they know everything. However, for me, undeserved arrogance is the most unattractive quality out there.
The koala is one of these people.
Realising this is helping me to challenge the monster laws of attraction.
If I had known anything about his character, I would have stayed away. At least now I am understanding both mind and body why he is not the one…