Dr. Sarah Marusek

I am finally realising now that it was just a massive misunderstanding with the healer. He was not deliberately trying to hurt me.

But I am also traumatically reliving why I had to write that review.

My nervous system was not ready for what he was trying to achieve with his entrainments. High on faith, I think he just got carried away.

He really wanted me to heal, bless him!

But I was way, way, way more injured than he realised.

So, he put me into a fight or flight state when the monster was still in control. I still had no energy access to the right side of my body.

It was pure terror.

Even now, with full access, the fight or flight state makes me want to give up.

Back then it was a death sentence.

And unfortunately, because I fell madly in love with him, the whole experience still continues to haunt me today.

He may have cared for me, but he still fucking broke me.

I will never be able to love or trust another human again. I have never let anybody get so close to me. And yet been so near to taking my own life?

I am still terrified of him for being so unaware of how close I came.

How do I trust anybody now? I am more scared of humanity than ever.

Meanwhile, he has already moved on with somebody else!

When we were working together, I was still dreaming of re-entering society.

Now I just want to run away from everybody and everything.

I struggle to want to live in this world at all.

My need for social isolation has always been there to protect me. But until the healer, I always had hope in love and human connection.

Indeed, I always strived for perfecting my own communication.

When I was younger, I realised this through my engagement with culture. Even if I could not create art like I dreamed about, I could still learn from it.

I was particularly drawn to late nineteenth and early twentieth century art, literature, poetry, music and philosophy, because I could internally relate.

I pursued an undergraduate degree in art and literature and for my dissertation I compared the work of Pablo Picasso and Gertrude Stein.

I was obsessed with what they were trying to do with images and words because it made more sense to my lived experience than anything else.

How could fractured landscapes and being in the continuous present be more real to me than the life everybody else saw me living?

Picasso and Stein, like many other visionaries of their time, were confronting how our ways of knowing and being were becoming transformed by our changing ideas and practices without us even being aware of it.

This was the beginning of so many splinterings and fragmentations.

The world was changing dramatically with industrialisation, urbanisation, capitalism and its accompanying Fordism.

Also, there was imperialism, transatlantic slavery and war.

And yet our ways of knowing how to process all of this were not equipped with adequately understanding how this would impact our souls.

Philosophers even killed God!

All of this profoundly shattered many of us internally.

And it continues to do so today, perhaps at an even more rapid pace now, since we value technology over our planet.

Picasso was not just experimenting with art; he was also challenging us to think differently. In the early twentieth century, he helped pioneer what is known as analytical cubism, which offers a ‘structured dissection of the subject, viewpoint-by-viewpoint, resulting in a fragmentary image of multiple viewpoints and overlapping planes’.

What we see is not just the subject but also an analysis of it in time and space. This creates a whole new kind of relational understanding.

Like Picasso in his cubist phase, Stein also created:

… a literary plasticity divorced from narrative sequence and consequence and hence from literary meaning. She was trying to transform literature from a temporal into a purely spatial art, to use words for their own sake alone.

At the time of my dissertation, communication was becoming increasingly challenging for me because nobody understood how much pain I was in.

So, I was astounded by what Stein could intellectually achieve by repeating and reordering the words differently over and over again.

It was like creating a whole new world. And I needed to escape.

I was obsessed with the work of Picasso and Stein because misunderstandings were preventing my ability to be intimate with others.

I made the closest friend I have ever had my first year at the College of William & Mary. It was like we were married, until she met a man.

That was the beginning of too many misunderstandings and our relationship started making me feel more unloved than loved.

When I ran away to London to finish my degree at Goldsmiths College, I was so hurt that I did not even keep in touch with her.

Even though I dearly missed her.

Instead, I immersed myself in my studies of Picasso and Stein.

Now I now why.

Misundertandings make me feel suicidal for a physiological reason.

I am so sorry for being unkind to the healer, I do regret my words, but nobody has ever made me feel like my life was less worth living.

I would not have been in a suicidal state without us working together.

And yet he left me there completely alone for days.

This is why I was so ‘irrationally’ angry with him.

I am sorry for unleashing that on him, I really, really am.

But this blind rage was not created by me, it was forced upon me by all of the people in my life who have made me feel like my life is worthless.

That is why my war is against not only the healer, but also all of humanity.

I am deeply sorry, as I know that like the healer my friends are also just ignorant of my pain and suffering, but because I tried to reach out and they ignored me, I now no longer wish to see anybody I have known.

No more misunderstandings that almost kill me.

Being friendly to strangers will have to be enough to take away the loneliness.

I need my immediate family, as I dearly miss my niece and nephews.

But it is time now to only communicate through my writing and art…