I have never felt this badly as my body is engulfed by pain.
There are pinched nerves all the way done my vagus pathway, and every time any one of them is triggered the monster flexes and screams.
It happens a lot during exercise at the moment, a paralytic burning down my left arm and back. Because the scar tissue that held the monster together is breaking down, sometimes my muscles do not know their roles and frantically shake, making me feel like my bones will snap.
It is fucking terrifying.
But there is something much worse hapenning too. Ever since I can remember, the monster has made me feel like a really shitty human being.
The feeling is more than just they way the monster makes me react in social situations; it is like I am always doing something wrong.
Or I am just wrong.
My feelings of guilt are existential and fill me with despair.
I do not even need to do anything wrong. My my body is able sense other people’s discomfort and distress, making me feel responsible.
Of course, misunderstandings are an everyday part of communication and social interaction. They happen all of the time.
But unfortunately, misunderstandings physically hurt me, because they tug at the monster. That is also what the healing process requires, shoving the monster back and forth between hot and cold so that it will let go.
As a result, healing is just making me feel like a terrible person.
The problem now is that I really have done something very wrong: I fucked up the career of a very talented healer.
This is definitely the shittiest thing I have ever done. Right now, feeling this way, I do not know how to live with my actions.
I am not sure what I expected to achieve from writing that blog. I am hoping at least that the healer has read it. But I had a seizure today when I learned that it did not change anything for him at his old place of work.
I could not breathe because I cannot fix this. I cannot stop crying.
I really need a friend right now. Where are they?
I do have friends all around the world. They are all amazing people.
However, none of them have any idea about my real-life story and what I am going through. Not one person has even the vaguest idea.
Every time I have tried to explain, they disappear. Puff, like magic!
When I moved to Cardiff three years ago, while passing through London I started to finally explain my situation to some friends from the old days.
It did not go well and left me feeling extremely sad and lonely.
A few months later, I shared some photos and videos of me spasming.
Those friends never got back in touch.
I know that I make people uncomfortable, but really?
So, I reached out last summer again to two other friends when things started spiralling with the healer. I tried to explain everything that was going on as I really needed friendship. When they did not respond, I had a seizure and broke something special. I told them not hearing back from them hurt me. They followed up apologetically that it was just a lot to process.
That was the last I heard from them.
I thought I made a friend at Cardiff University, while I was working there last year, but I was wrong. I guess not being fit for work makes me an unfit friend.
The problem is, I desperately need friends, or some kind of help, as I cannot take care of myself. I have been out of work for four years and need benefits to survive but am terrified that the process will make me kill myself.
My monster probably hates bureaucracy more than technology.
I need so much help in every possible way, but my body is like a prison.
Since my nervous system is in a constant state of crisis, whenever I try to ask for help my body feels even more out of control and seizes. The more difficulty somebody has in trying to help me, whether because they are incapable or the task is just too hard, the more my body panics.
This happened both with the healer and the shaman because the task was too hard. Nobody will ever see this fucking monster inside of me.
So, I cannot ask for help. I know that now.
But I could really use a friend…
Dr. Sarah Marusek 