Unfortunately, I am no longer okay.
Somebody stupid did something terrible to me this week and my body now feels like it is being attacked like never before.
I do not know how to solve this any more.
It physically feels like being punched over and over in the chest and stomach.
Sometimes it even feels like being shot with rapid gunfire.
It hurts like a heart attack when I cannot breathe.
And my adrenals are racing like I am going to die.
Meanwhile, I have never felt so alienated from humanity and full of rage.
Why?
Because I am currently under attack.
Stupid people are targeting the one being in this world that helps me.
My cat Stinkerella.
She was living as a stray cat in Johannesburg while I was doing my postdoc.
I came home from a trip to the US to find her living in my cottage.
A crazy cat lady had apparently ‘rescued’ her from the Katlehong township.
It is so sad when humans care more about animals than their neighbours.
But she was not at all well looked after. The cat lady had over a dozen other cats in her yard and she ran a dirty and dilapidated charity shop in Melville.
Stinko was covered in sores as she is allergic to bites.
You could smell her as soon as she jumped through the window. But bless her, she still thought it necessary to announce her presence with a meow.
She was spayed, but suffers from chronic poor health.
Immediately I had to get most of her teeth removed.
She has so many health problems like me, but is still a diva.
Her nervous system is badly compromised like mine and nobody else understands that, so they judge her for looking dirty and dishevelled.
You see, she is so anxious that she constantly licks herself and her saliva is coloured brown, making her look and smell badly.
Hence her name.
I used to wash her regularly, but she hates it, so I just got used to the smell.
She sleeps by my head, even when suffering leaky shit.
She is my soulmate.
My bestest friend and the only long-term relationship I have ever had.
We are so close that she is like my fifth appendage.
She follows me around everywhere and is addicted to cuddles.
And I am equally addicted to giving her cuddles because it is the only thing in my life that I feel I can control: giving her pleasure.
Making her happy gives my life purpose.
And when I feel my most bodily unsafe, she stops me from spiralling.
I have no human to confide in or support me, only Stinko.
Nevertheless, she has been catnapped twice here in the UK.
Why?
Stupid people think she is abused because of the way she looks.
I often get harassed when out with her in public.
This is a terribly drawn comic, but a real experience in Leeds.
People usually treat me like shit when they see her.
Even though I am the one in need of medical help.
Every time this happens, my nervous system spirals and I feel suicidal because I am not well enough to defend the most precious thing in my life.
I need help but cannot get it.
Stinko already has help – me. My disability does not impact her care.
She has also been harassed in Cardiff too, so I had to stop allowing her out on the street, which is a pity as she is a social animal and loves people.
But they kept on calling cat rescue, or posting like this on Facebook.
And every time my nervous system goes into crisis because I am not well enough to defend her, making me feel worthless.
So, when I brought her to the vet on Saturday, I did not expect to be attacked with such hostility that my body became existentially locked.
I cannot control any of this.
My body has always been terrified of humans because you hurt me.
But then this nurse really fucking hurt me.
I had a problem with her in the past which is why it happened.
She is worse than the koala, an arrogant and judgemental young person who is unable to see her own limitations and that makes her unkind.
And fucking dangerous. I will call her a porcupine.
As soon as I walked through the door with my cat, who is dying, she decided that I was not fit to look after her and my monster took over, freezing me.
I could not defend my cat nor the quality of care she is receiving.
I had a seizure and could not breathe so I needed to take my cat away.
The vet’s response?
Not to check up on me, but to repeatedly threaten me with reporting me to animal welfare. I am not joking.
I have no fucking idea why when the vet said that I did not even need to bring her in for a check up given that she was deteriorating so rapidly.
I emailed them a month ago telling them how badly she was doing.
But porcupine decided that her condition is because I am abusing her?
I know my disability is unusual, but why the fuck be so stupid and cruel?
Porcupine put me into seizure so did not access anything.
She did not have any detailed information on Stinko’s history nor her current quality of life. What she did do is discriminate against my disability.
And the vet is backing her up without any detailed information.
I have tried to take proactive measures by contacting the RSPCA myself and filing a complaint with the national vet regulatory body.
I also left an honest review this morning and they called the police, which will hopefully be the end of it as I said that I was being harassed by them.
My body is not okay right now as I have never, ever felt this unsafe.
Except, perhaps, with the koala when I almost killed myself.
And this is precisely my current problem.
They are behaving so stupidly, but they have power over me.
And my body is in agony so my pain is out of control.
As a result, my wings of despair are overwhelming right now.
Fucking humans will not allow me to heal.
I have never worked so hard to be safe and yet you keep on pushing me over, stomping on me and then blaming me when I cannot get up.
As a result, I do not want to live in your world any longer.
I could not sleep at all last night because of the pain.
I have never, ever felt this badly.
I cannot defend myself and desperately need help.
But there is nobody here to help me.
Only my stinky angel of a cat.
So all of you stupid people, please just leave us alone…