This shit keeps on getting more and more difficult.
But, at long last, there are also now glimmers of a new dawn.
Something major happened on Thursday night, another hegemonic shift.
Since then, I have been struggling to keep up with the changes in my body.
Not hearing any news about my case against the koala was becoming too stressful, as my body really panics over uncertainties.
So, I emailed for an update and finally received a reply on Thursday.
The case is ongoing and my chiropractic treatment is currently being assessed by an independent expert, which is fantastic news.
But I will not have access to this report, which is not.
Still, this is the first time my pain is being officially accounted for.
That night, something happened while using my Sensate (a vagus nerve stimulator) when I held it to my heart, chest and neck.
It was like the monster started frantically squeezing and pulling, which has never happened before. And then suddenly, ease and calm.
Afterwards, my body felt differently. For the first time in my life, it wanted to feel the pain and my recitations reflected this.
‘It is okay to let it hurt.’
Although I was still in a lot of pain, the fear had largely subsided. So even though I could not fall asleep, it was not my usual manic panic.
My body was too fascinated by the new openings.
The next morning, I found myself transported in time back to the Tuning Room, when towards the end I had fallen off the table after an entrainment.
Sadness and rage overcame me, releasing a hidden memory.
Then, suddenly, I experienced a massive rush of energy in my right body. It went down my leg, into my ankle and reached all the way to my toes.
Even though I have described what the koala has done to me, my body never understood the mechanics of it all. I am beginning to now.
The session before this, I had sent this email to him:
Good afternoon Harry,
I hope you enjoyed a lovely day.
Unfortunately, I had an awful response today. I burst into tears in the loo and have been crying on and off ever since, as my body is just raging at me, screaming all the ways in which I need to be doing more work to heal it, and not less. But how can I when I am exhausted and sad and I have never felt this alone.
I do want to continue treatment, however I am very vulnerable and much worse than you realise, so it will be better going forward for me not to share any more updates.
If my body is scared on Friday, I apologise 🙁
And the next time I came in, he made me feel even more vulnerable!
My body let me relive the shame and humiliation that I felt, crouched on the floor. I had never felt further away from humanity in my life.
It was like all the trauma from my youth was sucked into my inner black hole.
And he did not comfort me at all.
Even though his reckless entrainment put me there.
I never wanted to see him again, to end our work right there and then, but when he messaged me afterwards my heart made me forgive him.
I was so physically, mentally, psychologically and spiritually hurting because of his inability to see my pain that I have been holding onto it ever since.
In that moment, I really did not feel worthy of being a human.
While I knew this was wrong of him, I did not realise how badly this event fucked me up until last Thursday and Friday.
No wonder I have been hating the koala so much.
My body really was physically locked into a state of fear because of him. This is why even just thinking about him was causing me seizures last month.
His arrogance literally took my breath away!
And I am only now starting to get it back.
It is difficult, though, as the pain in my body strengthened in new ways after this shift. My nausea is terrible and I keep on retching from the turbulence.
The good news is that I am less scared now.
The bad news is that I have been sobbing like crazy. Letting my body hurt also means processing all of the human disappointment in my life.
I tried so hard to communicate to the koala that he was hurting me.
I stupidly loved him so much that I was willing to let him potentially kill me.
That is really fucking hard to process.
In order to keep my spirits up, I need to think about my stinky cat.
To me, she is love embodied. I am so in awe of her.
However, she has been really struggling too as she is getting old. We do not know her age as she was a stray, but probably about 16.
She has chronic diarrhoea and throws up almost daily. When the poop started leaking everywhere, she started getting depressed.
In fact, I thought it was time and even emailed the veterinarian.
But then she made a remarkable turnaround.
I think she may know that I am writing and illustrating a book about her?
In any case, she knows that I need love and is determined provide it.
I really am in awe!
Given my brief stint working with the late Val Kilmer, aka Batman, and those rent stabilised digs that I had in Hell’s Kitchen, New York, no wonder my newly developing superpowers are telling me to become Catwoman!
