I have never struggled this much, however by isolating myself from others, my body is slowly learning how to trust itself.
I am finally learning what it means to let it all go.
I have to learn how not to flinch into the physical pain, which is really hard as the damaged nerves hurt like a motherfucker.
It helps that I am ridiculously curious and can pay attention when my body is actively studying itself, moving from right to left and back again.
I am beginning to love how annoying I can be!
I also have to learn how to distinguish between people who are deliberately hurting me and those who are only trying to help me.
Never having self actualised really fucked me up.
I always knew that I was overly self conscious, but this is ridiculous.
My monster hijacked my self and made me think that I was the sum of not only other people’s misjudgements of me, but also their own limitations.
It does not matter who you are: if you cannot see my pain and suffering, my body still blames myself. This is why I am socially isolating.
But if I care about you, watch out.
This is why the koala made me so absolutely crazy.
I have never, ever tried so fucking hard to be understood.
I have never put so much of myself into the effort.
I have never been more disappointed in another human.
I honestly thought that my life was not worth living because my injuries could not be seen by somebody who is not even good enough for me?
Why would I do that?
Because I felt it physically. And I still do.
None of this ever started as a thought, only physical pain.
That triggered the feelings of hurt when other people were incapable of recognising how this impacts my behaviour.
My body has never understood that other people do not matter.
My injuries made everything matter all the time.
But now that they are releasing, I can finally understand the mechanics of why my injuries made other people matter.
It is such a revelation that other people are actually insignificant!
There was nothing I could do before to change anything.
Other people not understanding were always the problem.
It was never me.
The koala made me feel worse than I have ever felt about myself.
Because my body felt worthless and uncared for.
Now, my body is finally learning how to care for itself.
My seizures are changing.
I still struggle to breathe, but my body is now fighting against the spasms – learning to control them – which releases an insane amount of heat.
Sometimes the heat happened before with the spasms, but not always.
I still spasm all the time otherwise, but mostly without any outside indication until the pain gets so bad that I have to flinch, usually grimace.
I had a seizure last week at my new baths because somebody was taking a video in a selfish way that made it impossible not to be captured.
I got really angry because it was just so silly, but having direct access to the more extreme hot and cold while emotional made a difference.
A few days later, I had an almost seizure because the shaman was not releasing my records to help me with my case against the koala.
I needed my records for protection, which is why I asked.
Why do other people think they know better?
So, I had to scream like a madwoman in the sauna to release.
After losing it – which made me feel ashamed – I finally got the records and my body immediately understood why they were necessary for my healing.
When somebody causes me a seizure, I just see red. And the shaman, towards the end, was causing me seizures. But these records show extraordinary care. He is nothing to be scared of.
I had to compare them with the koala’s records to fall more out of love.
I am still really angry and full of rage.
But I do have love in my life.
There is one being in this world that matters more than anything else.
I am now writing and illustrating her story.
She found me in Johannesburg and I would not be here today without her.
She may be dirty and smelly, but she has a superpower.
She can see monster!
Yup, a stinky cat really did save my life…