Dr. Sarah Marusek

I deleted an earlier version of this blog because it was making me feel suicidal. It was an attempted apology to the healer.

I now know that he wants absolutely nothing to do with me.

I even burned the ugly picture that I drew of him.

So, I am going to need to retune some more and get honest. While I behaved horribly to him, it was because nobody has ever hurt me more.

The healer had no idea what he was doing with me. And since he did not realise that he was making me worse, his level of care at the end was pretty abject.

As I really did love him, the experience continues to fuck me up so badly that I am not sure if I am going to make it through this.

So here we go again. Thursday night was one of the worst nights of my life.

My seizure that day felt different.

It was deeper and more existential. Perhaps that is why it has lingered.

I felt like my monster was punishing me for hurting the healer.

In reality, my seizures simply force my body to access the injuries.

But feeling so terrible and guilty about hurting the healer is unfortunately giving the monster strength. After all, he also really hurt me too.

I need to learn how to forgive myself, especially now that he will not.

I had the seizure when the reality of everything became clear. I know it sounds strange, but previously my body would not allow me to understand what was going on, because of my monster logic.

I will try to explain.

Because I fell madly in love with the healer, my neuroception did some pretty crazy things. Most importantly, I needed him to see me like he said he did.

He could not and I do not know how to undo this need now. As I have never been seen by anybody, and never can be seen, it is making me feel suicidal. Almost as if being permanently stuck in fight or flight.

It helps me to think about everything in terms of problem solving.

Because I was injured as a newborn, I never felt secure in my own body. Instead, I sought help from others through love.

However, love did not heal my injury and so my monster constructed a narrative of self-hatred to explain why my pain was invisible.

At the same time, I never stopped thinking that love would stop my pain.

My need for love is both parallel and equal to my need to heal the injury. Thus, the two are entangled in a twisted mess.

My love is therefore a highly destructive force, not only for myself but for the subject of my affection. I did not know that before the healer.

My body did some pretty fucking crazy things because I fell in love. It was like everything depended on him seeing the monster.

But he could not, even though he repeatedly said that he saw me. And this was after I told him all about my problems with love and nervousness.

He should have known better.

Even though I have not seen him or spoken to him for a year now, I feel like I still need him to see my monster to heal. It is like I am obsessed with him.

As my monster fairytale explains, I thought that I needed somebody to save me. Even though I now know this not to be true, my body has been confused precisely because we had such a deep connection. Whenever I am in a panic, my body still thinks it needs the healer to see the monster to heal.

This is why over the last few weeks my nervous system has been even more out of control than usual, but also healing in new ways.

The healer was always a problem that I could not solve.

I thought loving him more would help him see my monster. As a result, when we were working together, my monster started really torturing me. It is hard to understand, but I have never felt so excluded in my life.

The Tuning Room practices network spinal, an innovative approach to chiropractic healing that prioritises the nervous system.

Historically, humans have embraced energy’s power to heal, but we have really lost touch with ourselves. There is a reason why I only realised how badly my injuries were while taking ancient Roman cures in Italy.

Network spinal borrows from our ancient traditions but is also scientific. It involves a coordination of light touch adjustments, called entrainments. Dr. Donald Epstein has demonstrated how this unleashes ‘a unique spinal wave’ that helps the body to better understand and manage itself for healing.

Here is a nice explanation:

The network wave involves a visible undulation and specific rocking movement of spinal segments, which is elicited through gentle contacts in a defined sequence to the spine at specific areas. The areas are associated with the location of meningeal attachments of the spinal cord to the vertebral column.

I experienced this wave right away with the healer, but I was much, much, much worse than he was capable of understanding.

Perhaps it was because we experienced this wave together, but he had a naive faith that network spinal would easily cure me.

This is despite me spending hours sending him intimate descriptions about the pain and suffering I was going through. When they started getting more frightened, anguished and out of control, nothing in his approach changed.

When he was releasing my heart, he actually told me that he felt a part of me. And yet when I got suicidal, he ignored me for days.

Even the ambulance service apologised for his lack of care.

This is why I got so angry with him. This is why I thought he did not care. It was not just my monster logic, it was also my hellish experience.

The Tuning Room was a space that promised healing, but I was struggling more and more just to exist. Even network spinal started to enrage me, reminding me of all the universals in my life that have excluded me.

So, when the healer spoke about joy as if it were a possibility, my monster went crazy, because my body was incapable of experiencing joy.

I tried over and over to explain that he was wrong in his approach with me.

And I really, really, really wish that he had not been wrong because I fell madly in love with him and desperately wanted to experience joy.

So this is also why I had never been so angry with anybody in my life.

And rightly so. Thus, I have deleted my previous apology and replaced it with this blog. Because now I am so fucked that I do not know what to do.

On Thursday night it came to a head.

Since I did not mean to hurt him, only to protect myself, the healer is once again a problem I cannot solve. I hate that I hurt him and cannot stand myself right now. After sobbing for a few hours, the seizure came back and this time I was glued to the floor, barely able to breathe, for about thirty minutes.

It felt as if I were actually dying.

Since then, this seizure has not left me and I have been struggling to breathe for two days. I have never felt so alone and angry in my life…

Postscript

The healer’s name is Dr. Harry Cantellow. He is now practicing as GoBeyond Chiropractic in Brecon. Please avoid him at all costs…