Dr. Sarah Marusek

Right now, I feel like a walking, talking nervous breakdown.

Essentially, that is what I am doing: by finally healing the pinched nerves in my face and throughout the vagus pathway, the scar tissue – my monster – is losing its physicality. Thus, my energy and its accompanying monster logic, which has long kept my nervous system together, is also breaking down.

This is why I have moments of such existential body confusion.

Although modern medical science has pretty much completely failed me, there are a few recent concepts that I find useful in my quest to slay my monster. One is the idea of mirror neurons.

Mirror neurons explain why our nervous systems respond to other people experiencing not only pain and suffering, but also love and joy.

In other words, mirror neurons actually help to explain empathy. This is because something is happening in our brains.

Although this is the kind of experiential knowledge that we all share, it somehow remains quite controversial because of the biases in modern science and knowledge production.

I ought to explain more about how modern medical science has failed me.

I only fully realised the gravity of my situation in 2022.

Before that, I was seeing all different kinds of doctors, hoping for a medical intervention. When I underwent cervical spine surgery in 2007 to fix bone spurs, the surgeon – the only doctor qualified to perform such a delicate procedure in all of New York City – was shocked by how tight my neck was when he was cutting it. But, of course, that never made it into my notes.

The subsequent pain post surgery was so intense that I had to complete my first year of doctoral work lying down. I ended up having a series of botox injections in my back and neck to get me through the rest of my studies and fieldwork, which is fucking outrageous. That stuff is poisonous and I would get a bronchial infection every time. And by the fourth or fifth series of injections the pain relief would only last a matter of weeks.

I am definitely still paying for this medical intervention now. In fact, the shaman actually thought that the monster only existed because of my spine surgery, but that was because he could not fully see its power. Interestingly, however, since seeing the healer I have not been able to start work with anybody while face down, as that causes me to seize.

When I finally had an electroencephalogram (EEG) six years ago it caused me painful spasms, however the video of the exam was disregarded.

And the last neurologist I saw in 2023 actually told me that ‘bodies do not work like that’ when I tried to explain myself.

The only two doctors who have been able to help me had a sophisticated understanding of the combined power of energy, the brain and the spine. And both have now suffered terrible professional consequences (of course, I am to blame for what happened to the healer).

The idea of mirror neurons was only first discovered back in the 1990s when scientists were experimenting on monkeys and saw that their brains were firing neurons not only when they were performing an action, but also when they saw others do these same actions.

This explains why my brain currently loves watching dance; seeing others move in the same ways that I did as a child helps my nervous system to learn how to unmake these old connections and make them anew. I still do not know how I managed to be able to do so much in a body this compromised.

Funny, though, as I never knew what to do with my hands. As a result, they would always be the most awkward part of my body, so stiff.

Incidentally, I also need to occasionally watch horror films now because I am scared of everybody and everything. My current experience of life, in a body trying to both let go and learn anew, is truly terrifying. So, recently watching The Exorcist for the first time was especially fucking intense!

By the way, I cannot watch most things on television right now, as I do not feel the same things as you do when you see love and joy. These both cause my body to flinch in pain, so no drama for me. Fortunately, comedy is okay.

Anyway, the concept of mirror neurons also explains why in the past I needed to go to Iran and Lebanon to do a particular kind of research in order to understand my own experiences. What is key here is how mirror neurons help us process information to better understand the intention of others, so not only the what for but also the why of their actions.

Thus, in postcolonial contexts, why is there a need for resistance?

What is especially interesting about mirror neurons is the important role of the face. According to two scholars, ‘Mouth mirror neurons and the mirroring of facial mimicry are probably at the basis of the capacity to be emotionally attuned with another individual.’

I wonder if this is why I struggled so much with my mouth whenever I spoke on television in Lebanon about American imperialism?

My own experiences of pain and social isolation allowed me to more deeply understand the suffering of others who are marginalised on a wider scale. Despite the prevalence of identity politics today, I did not need to be Muslim or even Lebanese to try to understand what life might be like under occupation.

My body has been hijacked by a monster!

So even though my book was too controversial to count as knowledge in my career path, the Lebanese ambassador to South Africa attended my book launch and was highly complimentary of my research, despite being politically opposed to Hizbullah. I think that this shows the book’s merit more than any Leeds committee members (who have probably never even been to Lebanon) dismissing my research as lacking in excellence.

Oh, did my monster love that period of my life, with wings fully spread…

I honestly still think that theologies of liberation are the only option to answer what is ultimately my most burning research question: how to show the oppressed that God still loves them despite their pain and suffering?

Only by creating a better world together!

Back then I especially needed a dose of self love. But the whole world also needs to understand a different kind of love. A new way of being.

Unfortunately, religion could not save me either as there was and still is a monster inside of me. But at least I am now finally beginning to understand how important my research is not only to me, but also to the world.